Today I have a special guest, Ian Woodhead, who is one of the authors taking part in the Summer of Zombie Blog Tour. So … here’s Ian’s guest post:
Let me be the first to give you a high five, dude!
Despite the overwhelming odds, you have managed to survive through the first day of the initial zombie outbreak. I guess you’re feeling pretty pleased with yourself about now aren’t you! So you should too.
Remember the pictures you saw on TV before the electric failed? What about when you looked out of the bathroom window and watched the old bag from next door sitting in the middle of the road with her head deep inside the guts of the postman. You, my friend, is alive.
Now, about these overwhelming odds? Are we sure that the odds were that stacked against your favour? I mean, the house was secure when the shit hit the fan, the only ‘dead’ person in the house was your grandma and she’s been stuck in a wheelchair for the past eight years. Even so, you still had stop her from snapping her false teeth at you! Did it feel good when you pushed that pencil deep into her ear? Now don’t get me wrong, I know you had to do it. The old bag was a potential hazard but, I’m serious, did it feel good?
Okay, awkward moment, moving on.
So, you’ve checked the locks about a dozen times, there’s no way that those things can get inside, no need to panic there. Now, what about the food situation? Yeah, I know the freezer in the garage is packed with enough supplies to last you for weeks but the electricity is off remember? So, okay, it’ll last in there for another day or two. Even so, just how are you going to cook it? Come to think of it, your mum sorted out most of your meals. If she wasn’t around well, there was always pizza delivery. Since when did you cook anything? Like ever, Dude?
Don’t get like that, man. I know you miss your mum and yeah, I’m sure she’ll be alright, probably. Okay, so I’m lying. The bitch will be chomping down on some poor fucker’s brains even as we speak, have you got that picture in your mind? The mouth that gave you a goodnight kiss every night when you were a brat will now be full of chewed up brain matter, it’ll be sliding down her throat just like the bowl of jelly she made especially for you on your eighth birthday. Do you remember that memorable moment?
They were good times.
Still, never mind, you’re alive. Hey, I’ve a great idea! Why don’t you make a list of all the reasons why you shouldn’t just open the front door and let those things in to feast upon your worthless body. I bet you can come up with some brilliant reasons why you ought to continue living!
You could draw two columns, one titled I’m so fucked! And the other one titled – well, come on, man. Is there really any point in thinking of a title? Face facts.
YOU ARE FUCKED!
Oh, you don’t believe me? Fine, prove me wrong, there’s some paper right there on the desk as for a pencil? Well, you know where you left that.
Ian Woodhead is the author of several horror books including four zombie stories.
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All six of us – Todd Brown, Mark Tufo, Ian Woodhead, Armand Rosamilia, John O’Brien and Dave Jeffery – hope you’ll keep following us on the Summer of Zombie blog tour, and comment as we go along.
And… one lucky commenter for each blog will receive a Free eBook or Print book from one of the authors! Simply leave a comment with your e-mail address and we’ll pick a random winner each day! Simple as that!